Reflections on the Power of Making People Feel Seen: A Response to Insurrection
Watching hundreds of people commit treasonous, violent crimes and attempt to overthrow our democratic government in the name of patriotism made me marvel at the power of making people feel seen. Because that’s what Trump did—he made those people feel seen by speaking to their values, fears, experiences, thoughts, and perceptions in a way that makes sense to them, validates them, and justifies their anger. Once he did that, getting them to commit violence for him was easy.
Making people feel seen and understood is powerful. That’s why it’s often one of the first steps in radicalization.
The Left speaks about these insurrectionists in terms that they do not relate to at all. They use words like “hateful,” “ignorant,” “racist,” “misogynist,” etc. But that’s not how these people feel at all. The vast majority of those folks do not feel hatred toward black people, women, or immigrants (some obviously do, but I’m not talking about the self-proclaimed white supremacists that were in attendance… that’s a very different conversation). The vast majority of those who participated in that insurrection actually feel full of love—love for their country, their family, their community, their way of life. To be sure, the way they express that “love” is often experienced as violence and hatred by others, but that’s not how they feel.
“And we cannot kill a radical ideology by imprisoning, fining, or even burying it... we must attack its roots.”
Trump (or his people) recognize that and have weaponized these people’s outrage at being misunderstood. They’ve used it to stir up feelings of being “persecuted” in order to incite and justify their violence and insurrection.
I want to be clear that this does not let those people off the hook. Nothing about what happened on January 6 is justifiable. Every bit of it was seeped in privilege and white supremacy and corruption and violence.
But in these moments, when the easiest thing to do is judge and condemn because the actions were so horribly and undeniably wrong, the most powerful thing that white people can do is lean into the hard work of changing our people by seeking to understand while also holding people accountable for their actions. We don’t seek to understand in order to justify, or sweep anything under the rug, or downplay the violence.
We seek to understand because being understood changes people.
It’s particularly powerful in this particular circumstance because Trump’s most ardent followers have been told that everyone on the Left hates them. So when they feel seen and understood (even if not validated) by someone who supposedly hates them, it creates a powerful cognitive dissonance that chips away at the narrative they’ve been given.
In order to move forward constructively, we must remember that the people are not our enemy… our enemy is the ideology that they’ve swallowed hook, line, and sinker. The enemy is the lie of white supremacy that has been packaged and sold to them as patriotism.
“We seek to understand because being understood changes people.”
And while those who participated in the insurrection should certainly be prosecuted, imprisoned, fined, and otherwise punished, we cannot kill an ideology by imprisoning, fining, or even burying it. If we shout evil into a corner, it will only fester in the dark.
To kill a radical ideology, we must attack its roots—the roots that were carefully planted and tended to during the radicalization process. But the only way to access those roots is through relationship and connection. It is only by making people feel seen that we can address the roots of this radical ideology of white nationalism.
That does not mean letting racism slide. It does not mean fluffy calls for love, light, and unity. And it does not mean asking people of color to slow down, wait, or back off.
But it does mean that we relentlessly humanize the Other instead of turning them into monsters. It means resisting the ease of labeling and name-calling and instead doing the hard work of getting to know the individual. It means using language and terms that the person we’re talking to is comfortable with (but not slurs or racist/violent language… see the previous paragraph.) It means asking more questions and slinging fewer accusations. It means calling people out boldly, but from a place of determined humanization and real, interpersonal relationship.
If we want to make change and unearth the roots of this violence, we must use the same powerful tools that planted them. We must make people feel seen and understood. We must expose the lies by digging deep enough to bring them to light.
Yes, it will be hard. But it will succeed if we’re willing to work at it. One-on-one. In our neighborhoods, families, and communities. The proof of its power was on full display last week… waving flags and storming the U.S. Capitol building.